Why Pastors Fail - Thoughts From An EX-Pastor's Wife
Most people who read my blog know my story. Here is the short version. My ex-husband was a pastor. He cheated on me. He was “disqualified” from being a pastor. He was not repentant. We divorced. My story, and stories similar to mine are ones (we in the church) hear about way too frequently. Like me, you are probably sick and tired of hearing the same stories over and over. Today, I have a very different perspective than I did five years ago, when I discovered my ex-husband’s affairs.
Over the last five years, I have watched pastors point their fingers, blame this or that, and boldly proclaim their “holy” opinion on why pastors fail. The recent story of Perry Noble is another example of people on social media who proclaim the evils of alcohol, and how disgusted they are over Perry Noble and his failure.
As an ex pastor’s wife who survived the fallout from my ex-husband’s moral failure, I would like to offer my perspective.
In the weeks and months following the discovery of my ex-husband’s affairs, I sat in utter devastation. I read Facebook posts from Pastors who heard about my story and decided to make their “holy” judgment on the issue. Comments on those “holy” posts always followed, and were brutal. I read email after email about what my ex-husband did and how it “hurt the church.” In the town where I live, I endured conversations with people who knew us and hurled accusations at me for not doing more to stop his behavior. I listened to phone conversations from other pastors who wanted to know the details, and proclaimed their opinion on how this could have been avoided. These “well meaning” pastors also gave their opinion on how I should just forgive him and move on, and how they looked forward to how God was going to use what happened for His Glory.
I felt it my duty to respond to each inquiry. Each time I left a conversation about his actions, I wanted to scream. “CAN YOU JUST CARE ABOUT ME AS A PERSON?” “DO YOU CARE I HAVE NO GROCERIES IN MY PANTRY?” “HAS IT OCCURRED TO YOU I NOW HAVE NO INCOME, OR MEANS TO PROVIDE FOR ME AND MY CHILDREN?” HAVE YOU EVER JUST THOUGHT ABOUT TAKING MY BOYS OUT FOR ICE CREAM?”
How many times has God laid another pastor on your heart and you ignored that leading? How many times have you looked into the eyes of a fellow pastor, and saw their sadness, yet you did nothing about it? How often have you said, “I'll pray for brother,” but walked off and never uttered ONE prayer?
Over the last few years, I have dedicated a large portion of my private practice to the clean- up of moral failures. I counsel pastor’s wives, following the discovery of their husband’s moral failures. Their experiences are very parallel to mine. That makes me sad.
The pastors who seek my help after a moral failure also report similar experiences. One pastor said to me, “I did not get help because I was afraid of what would happen. I have seen so many pastors get thrown to the sharks if they admitted their shortcomings and struggles. And look, that’s exactly what happened to me.”
If one of your fellow pastors does go down the road of moral failure, please do not give your “HOLY” opinion. And guess what? The details of what happened are none of your business. Instead, give them a gift card for groceries. Send a text or message and let them know you are praying for them. Then, get on your knees and actually pray for them. Offer to pay for counseling sessions. Make sure the wife has food in her pantry. If you know the family, offer to take the children to a baseball game, or for a hamburger. Care about each other. Put your pride and ego aside, and just love them.
The blaring question in everyone’s mind is, “How can we prevent this from happening?” Do you want to know how we can prevent moral failure? Look in the mirror. Any of us are just one decision away from sabotaging our lives. That’s right. You, me, and everyone else are one step away from a moral failure.
Instead of focusing on someone else’s moral failure, focus on the PREVENTION of your own moral failure. Get healthy. Find someone to talk to, who you can be real with. Eat right and exercise. Take time for your marriage.
Kindness, compassion and love go so much further in bringing someone to healing. Judgment and hate only serve to perpetuate the pain. Please. Choose to love.
