How In the World Do I Get My Kids Through Divorce??

Last week, my daughter Macey shared her perspective on divorce. Her candor about the impact her parents’ divorce had on her touched many people. Thank you for the kind comments and encouragement. Macey, thank you being so vulnerable and for providing hope!

Macey’s post put into words what so many kids feel as they adjust to the difficulties of divorce. Anger, mistrust, depression and feeling out of whack are just a few emotions kids feel as they cope with divorce. Parents often struggle with the best way to help their children navigate the divorce. It is a complex road since parents experience their own grief process. Helping your child, while grieving your own losses is hard!

Today, I would like to give some ways parents can help their children process and deal with divorce.

1. Take Care of Yourself! Grieving is hard work. Many parents work full time and when they are not at work, they care for the children. Self-care is not an option, but instead, is absolutely crucial so you have fuel to deal with your child’s mood swings. There will be mood swings. They will come out of nowhere. They will rock your world, so take care of yourself.

2. Do Not Talk Trash About Your Former Spouse – I know you are angry and probably do not like your former spouse, but keep your mouth shut around your children. Do not vent to your children, or discuss matters of the divorce. When you talk negatively about your former spouse, it puts your children in the middle and makes them feel they need to choose sides.

3. Listen. Don’t Give “Good” Advice. Don’t tell your children, “you will get through this,” or, “it will all be okay.” Just listen. If they get angry, it is okay. If they blame you, it is okay. If they say they wish things would go back to how they used to be, it is okay. Let them talk. Listen. I learned this lesson the hard way many times. All of my children have asked me to stop talking and just listen. That is hard since I am both female and a counselor. I find a bag of chips and chocolate help me shut up and listen. When your mouth is full of something yummy, it helps you listen.

4. Help Your Child Find An Outlet – Get your child a journal and do not read it. This is their place to write what they feel. Put your child in a sport, or music lessons. Buy them a punching bag. Give them have an outlet for all of the emotions they have, but have no idea how to express. My son Caleb dealt with a lot of anger after my divorce. After he punched a few holes in the wall, I got him a punching bag. That boy would go to town on that bag and exhaust himself. It was a great way for him to deal with his anger.

5. Children Deal With Divorce Differently – If you have multiple children, they will all have their own way of dealing with the divorce. Let each child deal with the divorce in their own way.

6. Give It Time – Your child may be a closed book and may not want to discuss the divorce. I was divorced when my son Noah was 13, but he refused to talk about the divorce until he was 18. It took him five years to open up about the impact of the divorce. Be a safe place for your kids. Be an example of health and how to grieve. Eventually, when they are ready, they will talk about the divorce.

7. Give Yourself Grace! – You are not going to be the perfect parent during this time. The truth is, you will probably yell more, be more irritable, and your kids will see your roller coaster emotions. Do the best you can. On those days where you are having, “one of those days,” be honest. It is okay to tell your kids, “I am having a bad day.” This lets them see you are human. It is okay not to be perfect and gives them permission to have their own, “bad day.”

Divorce is hard. There is no easy road through the heartbreak of divorce for either you or your kids. Hang in there! As Macey said, “it will get better.” “It will.”