Divorced Box? Check!

Shortly after my divorce, I went to my doctor for a checkup. It was a new year, so I had to fill out new forms. I came to the section regarding relationship status. There were three choices.

Single. Married. Divorced.

I sat in the chair at the doctor’s office for several minutes, staring at the choices. Let’s see. I had checked the Single box for many years. I checked the Married box for many more years. That day, my pencil lingered over the Divorced box.

Slowly and hesitantly, I checked the Divorced box. Then, I got mad.

Why is there a Divorced box anyway? I mean, if you are not married, you are single, right?

As I handed the paperwork back to the receptionist, I wanted to say, “Hey! Why is there a Divorced box on your form? Does it make me some kind of enigma because I am divorced?”

The imaginary conversation in my head continued as I sat down. I was steaming. I crossed my arms and tapped my foot on the carpet. “Oh I guess just because I am divorced, I am a failure?” “I cannot just be single?” “Your stupid form has to alert me that I am in a new group…The divorced group…aka, the you failed at marriage group.” “You obviously cannot hack marriage like the rest of us, group.” The receptionist awkwardly smiled at me as I stared her down.

Over the next few months, I became keenly aware that the Divorced box was standard on all forms. Every time I filled out forms, the stupid Divorced box stood ready to mock me. I developed a complex about being in the divorced category.

I mean, it is not like any of us who get married plan to get divorced! Every time I had to check the Divorced box, I wanted to write an explanation beside that box. “You don’t get it. I loved being married. I gave everything I had to my marriage. I was a good wife. Things happened. Sometimes, divorce is the best option.”

Then, a new bedfellow came alongside the Divorced box. Shame.

Shame accompanied me every time I had to check the Divorced box. But shame did not stop there. Shame showed through in my eyes and in my voice every time someone asked me if I was Married, Single or Divorced. I avoided eye contact as I answered the question and shamefully answered, “Divorced.” Then, just like that, I put myself in the Divorced box.

After several months of this cycle, I asked a friend about the Divorced box. She was a Divorced box checker, who used to check the Married box, but who now checked the Divorced box…So she got it. My very wise friend said to me, “Yeah, I get it, but who cares?” “Yes, you are divorced, but you are choosing shame.” “You got divorced, so check the box and move on.” Don’t put yourself in a box.

Well said.

Divorced is your relationship status, that is true. The deeper issue is that feelings of failure and shame often accompany divorce. If you have lingering feelings of failure and shame, deal with them. Own your part in the loss of the marriage. Then, get healthy and live your life. Don’t put yourself in a box.

Hopefully, you are doing the oh so hard work of getting healthy. If you are not, take yourself out of the Divorced Box. Get some counseling, surround yourself with good friends, and live.